Stark Contrasts: Death in books, death in life

     I sat there staring at rows and rows of books, each spine no more promising than the last. I was at a loss, and I should not have gone alone. I have this issue at the library. I have to pick up a book, read the cover, start reading somewhere in the middle (and if I like that), I read the last page or two. I can't handle getting through a really great story and losing a major character, or a sad ending. I know it's kind of a spoiler to skip ahead, but I have a good excuse. Prime examples being, Dear John and Message In A Bottle. Both books by Nicholas Sparks, both romance novels, both with life altering loves, both with a not so happy ending. Dear John, I started crying thirty pages in, so I skipped to the end to realize he doesn't end up with her and put it back. Unfortunately, I began reading Message In a Bottle without skipping ahead at all or seeing the movie OR talking to anyone about it. It was late in my lamp lit room, when suddenly a book hit the wall and this woman began sobbing at such a terribly tragic novel. It was not a good idea. When I discussed it with Travis he said, isn't that a movie? I think I've seen it.

The POINT of that story. Yes, there is one.

       In a book when a character dies, you know there is no hope of that character ever coming to life again. Maybe if you're lucky, the character will appear in dreams later in the series (Amelia Peabody series), but majority of the time, that character in all their greatness and admirable traits is gone. The writer might make a prequel, but we can't be certain they'll ever come back in their fullness again. When a character I like in a book dies, my heart is broken, my soul is torn, the tears flow, and suddenly I'm crying in a public place and the makings of a sinus headache begin. [and despite all this reading, my thoughts flow like run on sentences that never seem to end. A bad habit, but I add commas so you get the feeling...I guess]

       In contrast to that, when a loved one dies I am more hopeful than heartbroken. I am not heartless folks I cry at such loss. Today I cried at the loss of a family member (in-law) that I've never met in person, but I cried because despite having never met me he was always kind to me. We talked on facebook, and he talked of how cute Bri was. No matter who you are, if you like my baby, odds are I'll like you too. But he was one of the many in my adopted family that welcomed me. I referred to him as my own Uncle when I talked to Travis about him. Yet, despite the great loss the family has taken, I feel hope. I get the feeling this isn't the last of him. I know that there is more to this life simply because of these "feelings". You can know something is a bad idea without doing it simply because it feels wrong. You can also know a good thing because it feels so right. Death doesn't hurt me in life as it does a book. While I cry now, I'll pray too. I'll pray that this brings all the family closer, and that in turn we all grow closer to God and find peace and joy in the Plan of Salvation. I'm eerily calm in the face of earthly death because it doesn't feel like the end. It feels like a bad day, in a great year. We can't see the year, but it's going to be good if we let it. I think death upsets the rest of the world because it's something fearful. It's the unknown, it's something we constantly fight, it happens to everyone. Whether we fear for ourselves, or our loved ones, it's perfectly natural to fear death. But fear isn't what comes to heart when I think of death. I imagine a beautiful door, and what's on the other side of that door? I don't know, but it is exciting to imagine opening it. The thrill of adventure, curiosity, or a really good feeling.

     My thought today is, try to imagine a world without end. Despite beginnings and endings being so ingrained into this life that imagining them is near impossible, give it a shot. The world is pretty great when you look on the bright side.

    Keep Travis' Uncle's family in your prayers. He was a wonderful loving husband, father, brother, and a great Uncle. Maybe one day the world will see actual death as exciting instead of scary.

Sincerely,

     That girl who narrates her life the minute she walks into a library.

              Heather Rand.

I should join a book club.

Remember the Good, and Focus

       About a week and a half ago I had an unpleasant experience with a client at school. It wasn't through any fault of my own, they were just an unpleasant person who decided to direct their anger at the world in my direction. It was small and insignificant, but not to me. For no legitimate reason I couldn't let the negative feeling from that experience go. It won't matter in five years. It definitely won't even matter in a few months. It might not even have mattered a few days after, but I let it. I let it rot. The feeling I got from that small exchange affected everything. Suddenly, I couldn't keep the apartment clean enough for Travis even if he said he didn't mind. Suddenly, I felt like people at school were all gossiping about me, and I didn't have a friend in the world. Suddenly, I felt like I didn't even know how to cut hair.

I know none of those things are true, but suddenly, they were to me.

       Tonight, I brought this up to Travis again. I reminded him of the experience, which he remembered because it made me cry, and I disclosed that I wanted to let it go. I told him that I prayed about it, I prayed for her, and I prayed for myself. It didn't seem to help because I felt like I was constantly being reminded in some small way of my insecurities. To my relief, he reminded me that even the days school isn't fun I am surrounded by friends. I'm surrounded by people who are willing to be there for me, and even a few of them drove all the way from wellington to my baby shower (not mentioning any names). I'm even really skilled at what I do, even the days I don't feel like trying very hard. He reminded me that it wasn't this one event that was the problem. I just needed to remember all the good and not focus on the bad. It was all these wonderful things he reminded me of that made the original issue seem as small as it really was.

       I should have remembered that above all else, I am a daughter of God. Therefore, I am loved when I need it most. Tonight that love was displayed from the man I get to spend eternity with, if I am willing to try.

       The moral of the story today folks, the good will always win. The good has already won, and we just have to endure until the end to see it. If you find yourself in a pit of despair, ask a few friends what they like most about you, write down things you're grateful for, and help yourself remember the good.

And for those of you starting Lent, good luck! I always thought it was a great tradition to see people of all faiths engage in. I hope it reminds you of the good in your life, and brings you peace.

Sincerely
   -Heather Rand.