Updates

We took Bri to the doctor and he said he'd be impressed if she knew more than thirty words. Knows meaning, says and identifies objects or actions to the word. I said she knew the requisite twenty words for an almost two year old, he tickled her, she fell in love, she grew stronger hatred for the lady who gives the shots, and we left. Upon telling Travis he decided to make a list of all the words she does know, and associates with things correctly. She knows over 100 words. Not just like she says it for no reason. She knows what she's saying. The small list is as follows.

Car-sees car
Truck-sees truck, hears garbage truck
Airplane-looks up and see airplane, points in correct direction
Big-derived from "crazy beak" her toy penguin(crazy beak is when a bird does that shaking beak thing...it's affectionate)
Elmo-duh
Apple-round food
Orange-orange/cutie
Pear
Eat Food-usually grabs hand while saying this and directs you to food source(kitchen)
Bus-her bus toy
Doggie-dogs, or her specific dog toy
Moggie-derivative of Maddie her grandparents beagle
Birdy-birds, and Emmy the bird
Sit-to sit, when she wants you to sit
Dance-wants to dance to pentatonix daft punk on youtube(her favorite song)
Bear-stuffed bears
A-referring to any letter of the alphabet
Mommy
Daddy
Baba-grandma or grandpa
Chew-Julia (aka the Ju)
Eli-her friend Eli, she also says bye bye Eli when she leaves his house
Baba-sippy cup
Milk-milk
Pizza-pizza
Ice cream-ice cream, sour cream(to her disappointment), and whipped cream
Chok Chok-Chocolate and jacket
Bite-when she wants a bite
More-when she wants more
All gone- all done, get this food out of my face mama
Cheeshush-Jesus pictures (best lisp ever)
Amen-At the end of a prayer of course, unless she's being feisty and points at Julia and says Chew...AMEN! (not sure if that's a threat or not...)
Houst-Our new house
Color-crayons, and to color with markers, drawing, etc.
wawa/water- water, she rarely says it water..but sometimes she succeeds. Wawa is easier/lazy
Ball-balls of any kind
Fishy-fish/stuffed bunny
Bagel-muffins and bread and bagels
Cake-cake!
Coke-when she sees me drinking coke...oops. I can neither confirm nor deny the regularity of such
Cup-the cup the coke or water holds
Ice-she loves eating ice, and grabbing it out of your coke water
Book-she loves books
Chair-her chair, and all chairs and couches
Hot-when something is kinda warm to hot
Cold-must be pretty cold, like ice or the freezer
Flower-flowers
Pretty-when she likes something
Cute-also when she likes something(not as common as pretty)
Hug-when she wants or is giving a hug
Kiss-kisses!
Owie-when she falls and hurts herself
Tickle tickle-she is "tickling" you...fake laugh
Potty-her baby toilet
Various body parts-knee, feet, teeth, hair, ears, tummy
Pillow-she loves pillows
Blanky-not just any blanket, her blanket.
Bed-her pack and play in grandpa's office
Sockies-socks
Shoes-shoes and boots

That's just the preliminary list, I'm sure I'll hear about words I missed. Hearing the doctor say she's smart is like a yay moment. I know not everyone's kid is strong in the same points, and that early development milestones are subjective. This is not meant to shame or hurt anyone's feelings and not to make anyone think their own kid is dumb, it's just an update from her doctor and a moment of mommy pride.


In Heather related news, the withdrawal is going well. My mind is mine, and my patience seems to be all that is affected on my days between pills. I do however recognize when I'm getting ridiculously impatient with Bri. Mostly my problem is trembling like a sober tweaker, and headaches, oh and crying at tv commercials. I like that my thoughts are mine again though, and that I can feel again. The weird ideas that were plaguing me with the zoloft only return when it's in my system, so I'm kind of stubborn about taking it when I'm getting a really bad headache or really bad shakes.

Travis is...Travis. Nothing really newsworthy to report. He's amazing and I love him. He's a great dad. He's getting better at his job. I'm not sure he would like me bragging. Oh, he found us a new place, I will put pictures on facebook. I like it, love that it's just us again. Yay!


Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving!
-Heather

My depression story

I really feel like it's hard to people to talk about debilitating depression, or even seek help. Even now I wonder if anyone cares what I'm going through, aside from close family, or if telling my small story will help anyone. On the off chance that it helps someone, and on the serious note that I need to vent without judgement or feeling weird.

I'm a control freak. Not crazy control everything, but crazy when it comes to my mind and body. Aside from being a Mormon, I would probably never drink due to lack of control it creates. I'm aware of anything amiss in my mind and my body. Which is why a month early I tried to convince a doctor that I was in labor. I remember feeling like I wanted to punch Travis in the face, which to me was crazy. I just knew something was wrong and I panicked. Apparently, that's normal. I got a long lecture from the doctor as I sobbed that I needed to not waste everyone's time simply because pregnancy was hard. He made me feel so small, and yet I needed to hear it. I knew something wasn't right, but I was right enough to know I wasn't crazy enough to be strapped to a bed in the loony bin till my due date. I also refused to be that woman who decided to terminate her third trimester baby in boulder because of pregnancy depression. May that woman feel the full weight of her decision one day, and her guilt rest as heavily on the husband and psychiatrist that also felt that was a good decision. I won't link to an article about her, because it's sad and disgusting at the same time. The story is relevant because it's a medically proven disorder in women when they want to hurt their unborn child. I don't know why on earth anyone would ever think that was okay. I knew that hurting my baby would be a bad thing, but I wasn't there yet. The thought of cutting her out of me and taking her to the hospital (cuz I'm such a loving mother if I cut my baby out [LoCo]) had crossed my mind, so I went to my doctor.

I was given 25mg of sertraline, aka Zoloft. The initial side effects were annoying; insomnia and nausea if I remember correctly. It's been heaven sent, truly. It helped me be calm, it stopped my panic attacks that on one occasion almost stressed me into premature labor, mostly just bad cramps. I also think it helped quell the new mom crazy I might have been. I felt in control, and relaxed.

Until a few months ago. It started with dreams of...well I don't want to get weird so let's just say adulterous dreams. They weren't unappealing dreams, but I woke in a panic that my inner thoughts would stoop so low or even think about such things. They got worse, and I started crying over silly matters. I started telling Travis he wasn't fulfilling my needs, and he needed to focus on me more. ME, me, me. I started to wonder if maybe he wasn't who I was meant to be with. Just thoughts that I tried not to entertain, but they were there. I found myself crying to Travis that I really did love him begging him not to leave me, which confused the heck out of the husband who thought I was fine five minutes ago. I just couldn't shut my mind down. I couldn't control what I was thinking. It felt like when someone says don't think of elephant, and it's all you can think of. My blessing in disguise came when my prescription lapsed and the pharmacy and doctor's office played the putz game of slowly ordering me a refill. I had a panic attack during the four days it took them to figure it out. I called to let them know I needed it now, which they hopped to after hearing of the panic attacks.

However, I didn't realize until a few days later when I forgot to take my medicine that...my thoughts were mine. My dreams were gone. I was able to focus on what I wanted to without a rush of thoughts I didn't want any part of. It was awesome! I also didn't have trouble sleeping the days I forgot to take it. It was then I decided I might need to stop taking it. So far I'm down to half a dose every other day...ish. I went two days and threw a temper tantrum over not having a certain dress clean for church. I even stomped my foot and began to cry. Luckily, my logical side kicked in and said KNOCK IT OFF! Sadly I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms, so I could use some prayers.

The whole point, it's okay to not be okay. I recommend knowing yourself well enough to know when things aren't right. Prayer is a great help. Sure a prayer hasn't cured a headache without tylenol or ibuprofen, but hey it helps. Prayer helps me to know that I'm not crazy, nor should be ashamed at my imperfections. Prayer has helped me realize my savior still loves me when I'm not perfect. Prayer reminds me that even if the hand isn't pulling me up or wiping away all my troubles, there is a hand to hold. And I want others to know you aren't ever alone, and even with a supportive family depression can be a struggle. But it's just chemicals in your brain and body not working right. It may feel like the end of the world, but it's literally an imbalance. Meds helped me, but they don't help everyone. And getting off of the meds isn't easy. I read facebook posts of a friend going off cymbalta. His life was heck for a while, but he did it! (to the best of my knowledge) But know you are not alone, and if no one else in this universe loves you I would like to offer that I feel Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me. For me that's proof enough. The same type of way I know that weaning off Zoloft is best for my body. I just know. Maybe my personal experiences will help you in some way.

"Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise. And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise and bringeth about the salvation of many souls." Alma 37:6-7

-Heather

p.s. The storm story was meant to end with the dragon saving her from the prince, a fun writing idea I saw online. But I don't want to continue it. Not because of galaxy eyes that become the man cursed as a dragon or the implications of such a specific poetic reference (which was never intended, my apologies). I won't continue it because it's too good. Why fix what isn't broken? Or continue the story that is so good alone. Eh maybe one day when my brain doesn't feel like mush.