Thursday, September 22, 2022

To my former primary children

 I hope you are well. I hope this finds you. I hope you know you can talk to me. You are welcome in my home and in my heart.

    I also hope you know I was taught differently. I was taught of magical atonements that heal any emotional would. I was taught psychiatry is of the devil (thanks McConkie). I was taught the golden plates were seen with real eyes, not spiritual eyes. I was taught Joseph Smith translated the plates, not looked at a rock in a hat to recite a story. 

    Simply put, you and  I went to a completely different church. I often wonder how much it's changed. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever...and yet? It seems he changes with the tides. The Mormon church changes like society changes. Tries to improve, in other places it simply controls. Why could the church spend millions on the 'I'm a Mormon' campaign and then the next prophet is like NOPE only use the full name forever and ever amen. lol Why could the church change from full knee length garments to mid thigh? full tees to cap sleeves? Why did the church change the word of wisdom from not a commandment to it is a commandment and you can't go to the temple if you drink that evil bean juice or that stuff Jesus drank.

    I hope you learn boundaries and how to set them. I hope you learn to say no to callings that overwhelm you, or don't spark joy in you. I hope you aren't forced on a mission. I hope you aren't forced to go to BYU. I hope you have real agency, and freedom. Ultimately I hope you have happiness.


Sincerely, Sister Meredith

 

"belief makes a beautiful armor but makes for the heaviest sword." -John Mayer

Tuesday, September 7, 2021

Why I left so quickly

 So there I was in my kitchen fighting rumination and anxiety. My anxiety was saying things like, "if the law of moses was fulfilled, why can't I wear what I want and drink coffee?" I turned to Travis in tears hoping he wouldn't divorce me over my apostate like questions. I said, "My anxiety is attacking the church and has been all pandemic." He listened to me and hugged me tight. He reassured me and agreed with my questions. I had good questions. We gave up and went to reddit.com/r/exmormon. They have sources with sources, and the rabbit hole of the troublesome history and present issues was too much.


I would best describe my faith like an intricate ice sculpture. I made it, I froze it, and every day re-carved parts that had melted. I read my scriptures I went to church, I did my duties. I loved my neighbors, and I believed so whole heartedly. But then I read the CESletter and it's sources. I only got a page in before I metaphorically opened the freezer, picked up my delicate temple shaped ice sculpture and it shattered. It crumbled in my hands and melted on the floor.


Leaving feels like grief. I feel like I've lost things. I've lost choices, I've lost time. I've lost a lot of freedom, and I'm okay. I feel better and better every day and I enjoy so far living this way. 


Thank you for listening.

My favorite sins, so far

I have always wanted a ear full of piercings. Think punk rock the whole side is just rings and shiny crystals. Now that I have 4 in my left ear I'm quite happy with them. I admire my ear in the mirror it's so beautiful. Also I highly recommend only doing one hard cartilage piercing at a time. It hurt and I can only just start laying on that side of my head. I'm thankful I have my Mormon ear to lay on. I'm thinking of keeping one piercing in my right to tell people it's my Mormon ear, it is still my heritage and I want to keep some of the good things.


I have always loved the smell of coffee. Lots of cream, barely a finger pinch of sugar, dash of vanilla. Best way to enjoy it. I live for my decaf it's so smooth and I don't get caffeine but enough stimulant to move my bowels. My morning coffee poop is my favorite poop. I've never been more regular.


I mourned that every fashion advice to women of my body type felt immodest. I wished that I could be free to have purple hair in church and be treated just like everyone else. I didn't deserve to have a bishop assume I supported Ordain Women during a temple recommend interview. However, I did deserve to have a bishop tell me my inner light shined when I showed up to church high as a kite trying to treat my depression with anything but pharmaceuticals. It was probably the makeup dude.


I always wanted to tell my kids it's okay to be gay. I wanted to tell Bri she could opt out of her baptism, I knew she was hesitant but I wanted her to be accepted in primary. She did it to make her parents happy. Not for herself.


I wanted to have friends outside the church. More of them! All the friends! Haha. I wanted to befriend people without thinking about their lives as an example of how Mormonism is superior to whatever they believe. I still want to be friends with Mormons, though their influence on my life is more limited now.


Drinking is also fun. I do so sparingly due to my medication that keeps me functional, but I didn't feel any evil descend. In fact, we had some friends over and they helped us navigate our first alcohol. They showed us moderation and how to just have one and see how it affects your body, how long the effects last, and how to stay hydrated. My family history has alcoholism in it, so I'm being very careful of how often I drink. I know how drunk parenting can screw up the next generation. I want my kids to have better parents than I had, and I'm sure they'll want to be better parents than me.


Sex. I love sex with Travis, and I feel less shame letting myself feel good. I even like to...think about it. And guess what? I don't want to gauge out my eyes for looking lustfully. I also have found I'm quite attracted to women too now that the walls in my mind have come down about a lot of things. I'm obviously married with children,

Being a loud woman. It's a sin in most patriarchal religions, but I love being outspoken. I don't only want to speak when spoken to.



So that's it. I left the church to say I'm here, I'm queer, I'm not going to sit down and shut up.


 

Youtube radicalization

 

Youtube rabbit holes can harm or help. In my case? Helped. I learned more about the world from the internet during this trying last two years than my lifetime. Mostly, left youtube versus right youtube. Sure I wanted to watch gospel things like Don't Miss This and those Mormon commercials about someone's story and how God loves them.


Who did it start with? It was commentary youtubers who used proper pronouns for famous transmen and women. It was watching Contrapoints and hearing her talk about her experiences as a transwoman. Jamie Dodger and his experiences. Him and his girlfriend are lovely.


I loved Lindsay Ellis scholarly pop culture studies. I loved the articulate, smart, and snarky woman, I looked up to her. She was very liberal. Why does education push us from God? Why when I apply the same critical thinking skill I applied to learn Santa wasn't real, I also think God is a fabrication to get us to “behave”.

At some point I considered my own youtube channel to help people like me feel comfortable. I wanted to create a space for Mormons


That's it. People being respectful made me think, “trans people exist, they are hurt, and they need respect. The kind that involves treating people how they ask to be treated.”


I'll use an example. Let's say you've known Bri her whole life but suddenly she says “I want to be called my full name Briana, everyone outside of this group calls me my full name” you wouldn't scoff and say “HA! Never gonna do that.” You would mess up sure, but you would keep trying. You love Briana and you want her to feel like she can trust you to respect and listen to her.


The End. Trans people deserve respect, not scorn.

Mental Health and "The" church

Where do I start?  My own Panic Attacks, and post traumatic symptoms as a child of 5ish after witnessing my little brother drown in a bathtub(still nervous around pools)? Nightmares for months as a wee child of 13(thanks for taking me to dawn of the dead, selfish person)? Depression at 17? Post pardum depression every pregnancy during and after? Do you want to hear that there has always been something “wrong with this woman” and that's why she used her critical thinking skills to elevate to the hubris of not reading the same stories a hundred times? Then you're judging me and you should reevaluate your definition of crazy. I'm also forgiving, thoughtful, loving, creative, and beautiful so FINE if you wanna call me crazy at home I'll let it slide.


I command in the name of F*ck, Get thee hence jeeb-us.


Alright, now that all the orthodox Mormons have been scared away by evil words of blasphemy. I can feel safe to talk about my mental health to those who can handle me at my worst. Also I will not swear the rest of this post specifically, for Trudi Hall who I love and I know tries her best to read my ramblings. She is a wonderful Christian and a great example of loving service. Always has been always will be. If you have anything bad to say about her, go away. I wanna talk more specifically about how my deeply ingrained testimony of bighamite-ism, aka the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, contributed to my mental health in devastatingly negative ways.



Let's take a normal list of negative thought processes all mentally ill, and even normal-neurotypical people, struggle with.(https://healthywa.wa.gov.au/Articles/U_Z/Unhelpful-thinking-styles) I like Australia so we'll just use this nice Aussie government list as our source document. Now read the magic trick before your eyes as I super easily connect it to the churches teachings to hurt myself, and those around me.


Mental Filtering- Easy I filtered all my knowledge through the lens of a literal brighamite teachings. For examples: I believe in the evidence I've seen of carbon dating and all that that implies. So I would reason maybe Adam and Eve were the first God fearing homo sapiens. It was easy to filter everything from the bible with “As far as it is translated correctly”. Plenty of members have this filter from folklore involving big foot as THE Cain from the bible, to every herb unto the season thereof unless it's an illegal one or had as a hot leaf drink.. Mental filtering can be helpful or harmful. Spare the rod spoil the child certainly harmed me and millions of children everywhere. It can be helpful when your loved one says something unkind on a bad day, and when they later apologize for it you're able to reconcile their overall behavior to determine they're still a really kind person. Forgiveness is much easier with sincere apologies.


Jumping to Conlusions- Ooh, show me a cliff and I'm jumping. This plant is beautiful? All things denote there is a God, he created it all. Ha. Done. If Gay marriage is legalized people will realize our kids turn out based on how we treat them and that would lead to godlessness and soon we'd be aborting babies for ancient rituals as the heathens of old. If I don't read my scriptures for a significant portion of my day I am wasting time, I am wasting my life, I am wasting an eternity I could be spending with my God all happy and righteous, but I'm just such an unprofitable servant, I'm so terrible.


Black and White thinking- right and wrong. There must be opposition in all things. Yin and Yang, good and evil, pleasure and pain. If what I'm doing isn't building up the kingdom of heaven then why am I wasting my time on it. Good, better, best but ONLY PICK THE HOLIEST BEST.


Catastrophizing- See also almost every evangelical reaction legalizing gay marriage. I would see an article about people choosing not to have kids, and turn it into a metaphor about how the end is nigh and GOD IS COMING (that was a real facebook post I'm ashamed of). Wheat separating from chaff. Calling evil good and good evil. Hearing the quote that religion is a socially acceptable death cult hit me as truth. We always focus on eternity and death, and the next life and Christ's return.



Now this is how members have spoken to and around people who want to talk about abuse, mental health, anything controversial. These things are straight from my journal the days I heard them.


“My husband said if I ever got on anti-depressants he'd divorce me. He didn't marry a crazy woman” followed by awkward laughter from everyone


“I stopped going to therapy because it made me hate my mom”


“After years of going to therapists for this one thing I was told “GET OVER IT” and it really helped me. Not that I'm telling you to “get over it”. Whatever it is that's bothering you”


“When I said depression would be helped by service on the podium Sunday I hope you didn't feel I meant your depression, you have a chemical imbalance. I meant like normal human sadness.” (this is a good one)


“Yea, but there were times when my mom slapped me and I deserved it”




All of these people are wonderful people, and they are good Mormons. They are an example of how the church affects mental healthcare. The church is a hindrance to mental healthcare, and in my opinion Bruce R McConkie is to blame. He was a doctrine writer for the church penning such lovely educated advice like,”Two false and extreme views are commonly held among apostate peoples as to the value and place of physicians in society. Most people rely entirely on doctors and medical science where health is concerned and make no attempt to seek the healing power of the Lord. (2 Chron. 16:12.) Some others reject hospitalization and medicinal aid, supposing that it is only by divine aid that health will or can be restored” in 1958. These are the things that our grandparents taught our parents, who carried it on to us.

Friday, June 18, 2021

ThE GaY aGeNdA gOt ME

To preface and disclaim, I am a naturally sarcastic woman. I will talk about homosexuals as individuals, and sometimes as a group of people. I will also employ potentially offensive, definitely politically charged wording in this. Still I would like the religious and nonreligious, queer or basic bitch, black, white, bond or free to read. Everyone in my stories is given a new name. In the immortal whining of Hoobastank, “I'm not a perfect person.” Also, please educate yourself and click the hyperlinks. don't be a little b*tch, your testimony can handle it right? right?! RIGHT!??


    More accurately “the gay agenda” got to my mom first. I can always look to her example for how to treat 'the gays'. She instilled very strongly in me how wrong, harmful and absolutely horrid it is to throw a child out of the family home for being gay. How you should treat your gay friends exactly like your other friends. That you should try to find common ground in them. Human connection type things. You know, treat people as equals because WE ARE. Always focus on your actions, actually BE kind to gay people you don't know, and those you do. She strongly imparted in me that struggling with “same sex attraction” was not a struggle at all, it was an innate part of your humanity. My mom was an example on how to validate and love “the gays”. Thanks for that. Happy Mother's Day forever, now go away.


    How did my mom come to these conclusions? First, when a man and woman wanna feel sexual pleasure with the body of the opposite sex, consenting (coercion especially in marriage is bad), a baby may come nine months later. That baby will have unique and different experiences beyond the knowledge of their parents. In families, the actions and traditions of those parents are diluted, and often replaced or adjusted. So if my great grandparents might have been completely outspoken racists willing to cause harm, that dilutes to to my grandparents racist “jokes”, to my parents generation “having” black friends, to my generation wanting to walk alongside our black friends in protests for true equality. That was more than a little bit of a tangent, but it explains so much.


Further in the past to set the stage: Rock Hudson is a stud muffin and a half, old school actor. No doubt about it, he is a very attractive, and tall, man. He and Doris Day played with perfect chemistry in all their romance movies. He was charming, and he was rumored to be kind in reality, and he was also known to be gay. He tragically, died of Aids. His death was mourned by the nation, and most notably his costar, Doris Day. And Doris Day took to the world to humanize him. She praised his life and how meaningful their friendship was to her. . He deserved respect, he was worthy of this eloquent and beautiful woman's admiration. Being homosexual was who he was and the world could truly know him. I'm of the belief that to know anyone is to love them.


    My mom had nice, gay acquaintances. She was a kind manager to a couple gay high school aged employees. My mom also condemned members of the church who threw out their gay son who was in my mom's words; sweet, cute, kind, lovable, bouncy baby grown man. She genuinely loved seeing this kid grow up at church. She still gushes to this day about him. We saw him together at a family function, and she couldn't have been more delighted to see him.


    Do you notice anything particular? Other than my very persuasive writing. Was there an undercurrent of evil? Do you feel like all of these moments were planned, orchestrated, and directly connected even by an omnipresent force? Can you point for me to the places on the doll where the above gay people in the story hurt you? No, but you can point in history books and see where the belief that being gay is wrong, has hurt homosexual people. You can see in history how otherwise kind people voting with their beliefs get homosexuals thrown out of airbnbs, thrown out of their homes, and otherwise harmed. You can see it in modern day passive aggression and being the butt of jokes in movies. Adoption agencies closing their doors to avoid allowing gay parents to adopt children. Mom groups(I will not allow comments with links to them) organizing petitions to ban homosexual people even appearing in the background of movies, being side characters. As if seeing someone different from you is the greatest evil to exist.


Ideas harm, are neutral, or help those around us. People believe these ideas and then act on them.


You are welcome to believe in “the gay agenda™”, but I wanna say I'm not seeing much evidence for it. Mostly just experiences of normal people, doing people things. I do see connections in institutions that teach harmful ideas, and the trickle down effect that has had on me, my family, and those around me.


Oh wait, the gay agenda just sent me an email. They needed some pro-gay writings which is great! I replied: “All my favorite people are gay! This will be so easy” Do you want me to write about gender or the fluidity of sexuality?


And if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you and a venmo for fast cash. No refunds, returns or exchanges.  


So here's how the gays helped me! Firstly, they were really REALLY patient with me. If you are gay, and we were friendly in the past...I'm so so sorry. I asked a lot of ignorant questions. In general every queer person I met was an absolute angel to me. Esther, my first bisexual bubbly buddy, she showed me Brokeback Mountain and introduced the male gay community for me. Also, best laugh ever winner for sure. Moses who introduced me to swing dancing, good musicals, and Rent (badumtss). Fredrick who could point out the inherent beauty in every woman. We would sit at the cafeteria and try to come up with the best compliments to share with people. Girls and Women alike swooned over this guy. He would reassure me, “not a spark” every single time. Probably to reassure me that he was valid, he was definitely a homosexual, he was fine just as he was. I knew him to be a great guy, and I'm sure he still is. Then the liberal brother, sister super squad who patiently re-explained civil political discourse to me. They explained their liberal positions from a loving, and unapologetic way. There are at least more than ten positive people who each have many positive impacts on me. They had no agenda. They were normal people, just like me. People who wanted to be accepted, loved, and understood unconditionally as they were then and there.


    The Family to the Proclamation never lingered on my mind very long. It was doctrine, the end. Like I was taught, it hung dutifully and beautifully on my dining room wall. It was never more than a passing thought, until I had said to a dear sweet friend, “I'd still love you if you're gay. I know you're like going through stuff and I just want you to know I'm here for you.” Shortly thereafter she came out as queer to me! I was honored, and proud to see she was changing in beautiful and amazing ways. She came out of her shell when she came out of the closet, and she was quite the pearl. I was fine not knowing intimate details of her life. I don't need all the answers. Fingers in ears my beliefs are intact. Even pat myself on the back for being a real ally, real Christian, we'll get into the mormon superiority complex later. A few months later I was driving a member kid around in my car, then suddenly he was screaming. Knocked from my driving focused-disassociaton, I asked what the problem was and immediately felt out of my depth. This sweet child was yelling that my daughter was wrong, “girls can't marry girls and boys can't marry boys, IT'S WRONG!” I tiptoed my way around both points by saying “God's laws aren't the same as man's laws. Yes legally boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls.”


Done right? Beliefs unshaken. The church is perfect the people aren't, God's laws are higher. Stop thought. Stop Thought. Red herrings. Bad Faith arguments notwithstanding. Yes yes yes. No trauma to be found here whatsoever.


Wrong! Would my kids do that from my teachings? Is this how I sound to the world? What if my daughter is already attracted to girls? What if my son is attracted to boys? How did I define evil? How is any of this exclusion teaching Christ-like? My God was unconditional and "his" church teachings of “being gay is fine, but never act on it or be condemned” sounds conditional to me. Is that what I was teaching? I don't know exactly when it clicked for me, but at some point in my life it occurred to me that every queer person I had ever met might truly have been born that way and I should believe them. Devout gay members like Josh Weed who sold the Mormon and Gay dream, with updates that life didn't work out the way we all hoped. As my towers of babylon fell, realizations crumbled all around me. Or as the exmormons call it, my shelf started to crack. 


I wanted to be excited and supportive if my kids ever came out to me. I wanted to treat them like I treated my friend and see photos of the girls she went on dates with, and talk about how cute people she is attracted to are. I wanted to send gay friends profiles to her. I wanted to be there for it all. I wanted my friend to have no troubles getting married, having kids, adopting, home ownership! I wanted this friend to experience every thing I enjoyed. There is no gay agenda, people just want their fellow community, neighbors, friends, and family, to be themselves. I want my friend to be as happy with someone who loves them as much as they deserve. That was the kind of Christian I was. It's still the person I am. I want all to have happiness according to the dictates of their desires as long as they don't hurt others.


I do recognize the irony in saying there is no gay agenda, yet I'm writing an entire post about how the gay community strengthened my empathy and slowly but surely lead me away from my faith. My ability to mourn with those that mourn didn't never went away, it just noticed who was crying the most. I don't know what to tell people of my folks generation. I've never been to a meeting that talked about how to entice and draw people to the gay community, how to insert the gay agenda into natural conversation, how to share the love of gays with all in an organic way. I've been to hundreds of church meetings exactly like that. The Jesus I worshipped would hang out with the sinners, the dirty, the poor, the ostracized. He wouldn't hang out in the multi-million dollar whispering masonry club, but that's just my interpretation of Jesus. He'd probably love a multi-million dollar homeless shelter that we staffed full-time with volunteers. When the sarcastic God on Twitter starts to align more with the God you actually worship than the one you've been taught to worship....you might be on the way to godless apostasy.


But honestly, I still feel that spirit™. I'm still filled with hope. I still feel comfort when I see a butterfly. I still feel like a positive beam of sunshine sometimes. Like in the church and out, my mental health is still something I have to constantly cope with. I want to paint, draw, write, and create! I mean, even now I could find all sorts of things and feel peace. And I know there is another life after Mormonism, so many have reached out to lend a genuine helping hand. I had a wonderful experience the other night out dancing. Everyone was kind to me, and I had lots of fun conversations. I enjoyed watching the older couples dance and thinking that could be me in twenty years.



This is part one of a series of stories about how I radicalized myself with the ways of the world, how the world is good, and you can know me.

My Journey To Apostasy

     As with all exmormons, or former members of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints", I too want to discuss my feelings publicly. The Brighamite sect of the Mormons has a tendency to shame and silence exmembers. We are taught that "people who leave have always wanted to sin", it's perfectly okay to kick people when they're down and on hard times and we must remind them the church is my only way to happiness in this life, exmormons can "leave the church, but they can't leave it alone". ah yes, the only culture I've ever been raised in or known my whole life, I must give it ALL UP. Especially the virtues I liked, and I should never talk about the things in my culture that hurt me either. What a joke. Obviously, a phrase meant to control and silence. 


    So here I am, screaming at the internet that I am just as strong as my pioneer great grandfather who left Europe and former family traditions to join "Zion" in Utah. Yes such bravery, much hard. Maybe reading this you too can avoid your children and family leaving the church. My advice for that specifically would be: You must teach them love is conditional, knowledge has a ceiling and cannot extend into eternity, all people are evil because loving them as they are is a gateway drug to accepting people different from them as valid, and give up and grow up, on the idea of keeping your kids in the church forever because you can't control anyone other than yourself. In the words of Russel M Nelson, your job as a parent is to "Love them, lead them, and let them go" so at some point with them...let them go. 


I guess it will have to be a series, and so far these are the ideas I have. Subject to change with hyperlinks added later.

1.The gay agenda got me first

2.My mental health made me do it

3.Youtube radicalized me

4.I've always wanted to sin

5.Today's church history is tomorrow's anti-mormon rhetoric (jumping ship)