Don't you love those days where you channel your inner youth? You know, that teenager who danced like no one was watching but secretly hoped someone was. Hoped that someone was admiring and seeing you for all that you were, and all you could be. At least that was me. I've had a few friends say I've grown up, and some days I agree. Most days I'm in a place of denial hoping I'm still bouncy and carefree like I once was. At least my ability to bring joy to those around me with my silliness hasn't changed. Since going back to work from my maternity leave I was reminded many times with a chuckle that I was missed. That my "craziness" is well received with happiness. I've got that going for me still.
So here I am this morning, dancing to music that reminds me of those days but aren't exactly from the past. Pretending I'm alone, but that somewhere someone who loves me can see my terrible white girl dancing around, while the eggs on the stove cooked to perfection. And writing. Writing to be heard, but not really understood.Writing to write, since I don't do that much anymore.
But what spurned this blast from the past? Dreams. My dreams are an escape sometimes, but last night they were an old friend. The image of a full moon, cold grass, the feeling of a cool breeze on my face, all while basking in the warmth that is knowing I'm loved. One of my favorite memories. I'd go into specifics, but that would mean sharing it. And sharing anything but the feelings of those little moments feels like giving it away in a sense. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to give those type of memories away. I'll write them in my journal though, in hopes that after I'm gone my children will read them and say, "Mom was a person with feelings other than those of a mother." A carefree, sometimes careless young lady wondering if life could get any better.
Alas, my thoughts are abruptly interrupted by my baby blue eyes grunting in the next room. And I'm reminded that while parts of me won't die anytime soon, other parts simply matter more.
Heather Rand
In case anyone wants a playlist, or just good tunes:
Give Me a Try by The Wombats
Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger
Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson
or check out Denver's Orange 93.3 on iheart radio (I sound like a commercial now)
