Why I left so quickly

 So there I was in my kitchen fighting rumination and anxiety. My anxiety was saying things like, "if the law of moses was fulfilled, why can't I wear what I want and drink coffee?" I turned to Travis in tears hoping he wouldn't divorce me over my apostate like questions. I said, "My anxiety is attacking the church and has been all pandemic." He listened to me and hugged me tight. He reassured me and agreed with my questions. I had good questions. We gave up and went to reddit.com/r/exmormon. They have sources with sources, and the rabbit hole of the troublesome history and present issues was too much.

I would best describe my faith like an intricate ice sculpture. I made it, I froze it, and every day re-carved parts that had melted. I read my scriptures I went to church, I did my duties. I loved my neighbors, and I believed so whole heartedly. But then I read the CESletter and it's sources. I only got a page in before I metaphorically opened the freezer, picked up my delicate temple shaped ice sculpture and it shattered. It crumbled in my hands and melted on the floor.

Leaving feels like grief. I feel like I've lost things. I've lost choices, I've lost time. I've lost a lot of freedom, and I'm okay. I feel better and better every day and I enjoy so far living this way. 

Thank you for listening.

My favorite sins, so far

I have always wanted a ear full of piercings. Think punk rock the whole side is just rings and shiny crystals. Now that I have 4 in my left ear I'm quite happy with them. I admire my ear in the mirror it's so beautiful. Also I highly recommend only doing one hard cartilage piercing at a time. It hurt and I can only just start laying on that side of my head. I'm thankful I have my Mormon ear to lay on. I'm thinking of keeping one piercing in my right to tell people it's my Mormon ear, it is still my heritage and I want to keep some of the good things.

I have always loved the smell of coffee. Lots of cream, barely a finger pinch of sugar, dash of vanilla. Best way to enjoy it. I live for my decaf it's so smooth and I don't get caffeine but enough stimulant to move my bowels. My morning coffee poop is my favorite poop. I've never been more regular.

I mourned that every fashion advice to women of my body type felt immodest. I wished that I could be free to have purple hair in church and be treated just like everyone else. I didn't deserve to have a bishop assume I supported Ordain Women during a temple recommend interview. However, I did deserve to have a bishop tell me my inner light shined when I showed up to church high as a kite trying to treat my depression with anything but pharmaceuticals. It was probably the makeup dude.

I always wanted to tell my kids it's okay to be gay. I wanted to tell Bri she could opt out of her baptism, I knew she was hesitant but I wanted her to be accepted in primary. She did it to make her parents happy. Not for herself.

I wanted to have friends outside the church. More of them! All the friends! Haha. I wanted to befriend people without thinking about their lives as an example of how Mormonism is superior to whatever they believe. I still want to be friends with Mormons, though their influence on my life is more limited now.

Drinking is also fun. I do so sparingly due to my medication that keeps me functional, but I didn't feel any evil descend. In fact, we had some friends over and they helped us navigate our first alcohol. They showed us moderation and how to just have one and see how it affects your body, how long the effects last, and how to stay hydrated. My family history has alcoholism in it, so I'm being very careful of how often I drink. I know how drunk parenting can screw up the next generation. I want my kids to have better parents than I had, and I'm sure they'll want to be better parents than me.

Sex. I love sex with Travis, and I feel less shame letting myself feel good. I even like to...think about it. And guess what? I don't want to gauge out my eyes for looking lustfully. I also have found I'm quite attracted to women too now that the walls in my mind have come down about a lot of things. I'm obviously married with children,

Being a loud woman. It's a sin in most patriarchal religions, but I love being outspoken. I don't only want to speak when spoken to.

So that's it. I left the church to say I'm here, I'm queer, I'm not going to sit down and shut up.

 

Youtube radicalization

 

Youtube rabbit holes can harm or help. In my case? Helped. I learned more about the world from the internet during this trying last two years than my lifetime. Mostly, left youtube versus right youtube. Sure I wanted to watch gospel things like Don't Miss This and those Mormon commercials about someone's story and how God loves them.

Who did it start with? It was commentary youtubers who used proper pronouns for famous transmen and women. It was watching Contrapoints and hearing her talk about her experiences as a transwoman. Jamie Dodger and his experiences. Him and his girlfriend are lovely.

I loved Lindsay Ellis scholarly pop culture studies. I loved the articulate, smart, and snarky woman, I looked up to her. She was very liberal. Why does education push us from God? Why when I apply the same critical thinking skill I applied to learn Santa wasn't real, I also think God is a fabrication to get us to “behave”.

At some point I considered my own youtube channel to help people like me feel comfortable. I wanted to create a space for Mormons

That's it. People being respectful made me think, “trans people exist, they are hurt, and they need respect. The kind that involves treating people how they ask to be treated.”

I'll use an example. Let's say you've known Bri her whole life but suddenly she says “I want to be called my full name Briana, everyone outside of this group calls me my full name” you wouldn't scoff and say “HA! Never gonna do that.” You would mess up sure, but you would keep trying. You love Briana and you want her to feel like she can trust you to respect and listen to her.

The End. Trans people deserve respect, not scorn.

Mental Health and "The" church

Where do I start?  My own Panic Attacks, and post traumatic symptoms as a child of 5ish after witnessing my little brother drown in a bathtub(still nervous around pools)? Nightmares for months as a wee child of 13(thanks for taking me to dawn of the dead, selfish person)? Depression at 17? Post pardum depression every pregnancy during and after? Do you want to hear that there has always been something “wrong with this woman” and that's why she used her critical thinking skills to elevate to the hubris of not reading the same stories a hundred times? Then you're judging me and you should reevaluate your definition of crazy. I'm also forgiving, thoughtful, loving, creative, and beautiful so FINE if you wanna call me crazy at home I'll let it slide.

I command in the name of F*ck, Get thee hence jeeb-us.

Alright, now that all the orthodox Mormons have been scared away by evil words of blasphemy. I can feel safe to talk about my mental health to those who can handle me at my worst. Also I will not swear the rest of this post specifically, for Trudi Hall who I love and I know tries her best to read my ramblings. She is a wonderful Christian and a great example of loving service. Always has been always will be. If you have anything bad to say about her, go away. I wanna talk more specifically about how my deeply ingrained testimony of bighamite-ism, aka the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, contributed to my mental health in devastatingly negative ways.

Let's take a normal list of negative thought processes all mentally ill, and even normal-neurotypical people, struggle with.(https://healthywa.wa.gov.au/Articles/U_Z/Unhelpful-thinking-styles) I like Australia so we'll just use this nice Aussie government list as our source document. Now read the magic trick before your eyes as I super easily connect it to the churches teachings to hurt myself, and those around me.

Mental Filtering- Easy I filtered all my knowledge through the lens of a literal brighamite teachings. For examples: I believe in the evidence I've seen of carbon dating and all that that implies. So I would reason maybe Adam and Eve were the first God fearing homo sapiens. It was easy to filter everything from the bible with “As far as it is translated correctly”. Plenty of members have this filter from folklore involving big foot as THE Cain from the bible, to every herb unto the season thereof unless it's an illegal one or had as a hot leaf drink.. Mental filtering can be helpful or harmful. Spare the rod spoil the child certainly harmed me and millions of children everywhere. It can be helpful when your loved one says something unkind on a bad day, and when they later apologize for it you're able to reconcile their overall behavior to determine they're still a really kind person. Forgiveness is much easier with sincere apologies.

Jumping to Conlusions- Ooh, show me a cliff and I'm jumping. This plant is beautiful? All things denote there is a God, he created it all. Ha. Done. If Gay marriage is legalized people will realize our kids turn out based on how we treat them and that would lead to godlessness and soon we'd be aborting babies for ancient rituals as the heathens of old. If I don't read my scriptures for a significant portion of my day I am wasting time, I am wasting my life, I am wasting an eternity I could be spending with my God all happy and righteous, but I'm just such an unprofitable servant, I'm so terrible.

Black and White thinking- right and wrong. There must be opposition in all things. Yin and Yang, good and evil, pleasure and pain. If what I'm doing isn't building up the kingdom of heaven then why am I wasting my time on it. Good, better, best but ONLY PICK THE HOLIEST BEST.

Catastrophizing- See also almost every evangelical reaction legalizing gay marriage. I would see an article about people choosing not to have kids, and turn it into a metaphor about how the end is nigh and GOD IS COMING (that was a real facebook post I'm ashamed of). Wheat separating from chaff. Calling evil good and good evil. Hearing the quote that religion is a socially acceptable death cult hit me as truth. We always focus on eternity and death, and the next life and Christ's return.

Now this is how members have spoken to and around people who want to talk about abuse, mental health, anything controversial. These things are straight from my journal the days I heard them.

“My husband said if I ever got on anti-depressants he'd divorce me. He didn't marry a crazy woman” followed by awkward laughter from everyone

“I stopped going to therapy because it made me hate my mom”

“After years of going to therapists for this one thing I was told “GET OVER IT” and it really helped me. Not that I'm telling you to “get over it”. Whatever it is that's bothering you”

“When I said depression would be helped by service on the podium Sunday I hope you didn't feel I meant your depression, you have a chemical imbalance. I meant like normal human sadness.” (this is a good one)

“Yea, but there were times when my mom slapped me and I deserved it”

All of these people are wonderful people, and they are good Mormons. They are an example of how the church affects mental healthcare. The church is a hindrance to mental healthcare, and in my opinion Bruce R McConkie is to blame. He was a doctrine writer for the church penning such lovely educated advice like,”Two false and extreme views are commonly held among apostate peoples as to the value and place of physicians in society. Most people rely entirely on doctors and medical science where health is concerned and make no attempt to seek the healing power of the Lord. (2 Chron. 16:12.) Some others reject hospitalization and medicinal aid, supposing that it is only by divine aid that health will or can be restored” in 1958. These are the things that our grandparents taught our parents, who carried it on to us.