To
preface and disclaim, I am a naturally sarcastic woman. I will talk
about homosexuals as individuals, and sometimes as a group of people.
I will also employ potentially offensive, definitely politically
charged wording in this. Still I would like the religious and
nonreligious, queer or basic bitch, black, white, bond or free to
read. Everyone in my stories is given a new name. In the immortal
whining of Hoobastank, “I'm not a perfect person.” Also, please educate yourself and click the hyperlinks. don't be a little b*tch, your testimony can handle it right? right?! RIGHT!??
More
accurately “the gay agenda” got to my mom first. I can always
look to her example for how to treat 'the gays'. She instilled very
strongly in me how wrong, harmful and absolutely horrid it is to
throw a child out of the family home for being gay. How you should
treat your gay friends exactly like your other friends. That you
should try to find common ground in them. Human connection type
things. You know, treat people as equals because WE ARE. Always focus
on your actions, actually BE kind to gay people you don't know, and
those you do. She strongly imparted in me that struggling with “same
sex attraction” was not a struggle at all, it was an innate part of
your humanity. My mom was an example on how to validate and love “the
gays”. Thanks for that. Happy Mother's Day forever, now go away.
How
did my mom come to these conclusions? First, when a man and woman
wanna feel sexual pleasure with the body of the opposite sex,
consenting (coercion especially in marriage is bad), a baby may come
nine months later. That baby will have unique and different
experiences beyond the knowledge of their parents. In families, the
actions and traditions of those parents are diluted, and often
replaced or adjusted. So if my great grandparents might have been
completely outspoken racists willing to cause harm, that dilutes to
to my grandparents racist “jokes”, to my parents generation
“having” black friends, to my generation wanting to walk
alongside our black friends in protests for true equality. That was
more than a little bit of a tangent, but it explains so much.
Further
in the past to set the stage: Rock Hudson is a stud muffin and a
half, old school actor. No doubt about it, he is a very attractive,
and tall, man. He and Doris Day played with perfect chemistry in all
their romance movies. He was charming, and he was rumored to be kind
in reality, and he was also known to be gay. He tragically, died of
Aids. His death was mourned by the nation, and most notably his
costar, Doris Day. And Doris Day took to the world to humanize him.
She praised his life and how meaningful their friendship was to her.
. He deserved respect, he was worthy of this eloquent and beautiful
woman's admiration. Being homosexual was who he was and the world
could truly know him. I'm of the belief that to know anyone is to
love them.
My
mom had nice, gay acquaintances. She was a kind manager to a couple
gay high school aged employees. My mom also condemned members of the
church who threw out their gay son who was in my mom's words; sweet,
cute, kind, lovable, bouncy baby grown man. She genuinely loved
seeing this kid grow up at church. She still gushes to this
day about him. We saw him together at a family function, and she
couldn't have been more delighted to see him.
Do
you notice anything particular? Other than my very persuasive
writing. Was there an undercurrent of evil? Do you feel like all of
these moments were planned, orchestrated, and directly connected even
by an omnipresent force? Can you point for me to the places on the
doll where the above gay people in the story hurt you? No, but you
can point in history books and see where the belief that being gay is
wrong, has hurt homosexual people. You can see in history how
otherwise kind people voting with their beliefs get homosexuals
thrown out of airbnbs,
thrown out of their homes,
and otherwise harmed.
You can see it in modern day passive aggression and being the butt of
jokes in movies. Adoption agencies closing their
doors to avoid allowing gay parents to adopt children. Mom groups(I will
not allow comments with links to them) organizing petitions to ban
homosexual people even appearing in the background of movies, being
side characters. As if seeing someone different from you is the
greatest evil to exist.
Ideas
harm, are neutral, or help those around us. People believe these
ideas and then act on them.
You
are welcome to believe in “the gay agenda™”,
but I wanna say
I'm not seeing much evidence for it. Mostly just experiences of
normal people, doing people things. I do see connections in
institutions that teach harmful ideas, and the trickle down effect
that has had on me, my family, and those around me.
Oh
wait, the gay agenda just sent me an email. They needed some pro-gay
writings which is great! I replied: “All my favorite people are
gay! This will be so easy” Do you want me to write about gender or the
fluidity of sexuality?
And
if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you and a venmo for fast cash. No refunds, returns or exchanges.
So
here's how the gays helped me! Firstly, they were really REALLY
patient with me. If you are gay, and we were friendly in the
past...I'm so so sorry. I asked a lot of ignorant questions. In
general every queer person I met was an absolute angel to me. Esther,
my first bisexual bubbly buddy, she showed me Brokeback Mountain and
introduced the male gay community for me. Also, best laugh ever
winner for sure. Moses who introduced me to swing dancing, good
musicals, and Rent (badumtss). Fredrick who could point out the
inherent beauty in every woman. We would sit at the cafeteria and try
to come up with the best compliments to share with people. Girls and
Women alike swooned over this guy. He would reassure me, “not a
spark” every single time. Probably to reassure me that he was
valid, he was definitely a homosexual, he was fine just as he was. I
knew him to be a great guy, and I'm sure he still is. Then the
liberal brother, sister super squad who patiently re-explained civil
political discourse to me. They explained their liberal positions
from a loving, and unapologetic way. There are at least more than ten
positive people who each have many positive impacts on me. They had
no agenda. They were normal people, just like me. People who wanted
to be accepted, loved, and understood unconditionally as they were
then and there.
The
Family to the Proclamation never lingered on my mind very long. It
was doctrine, the end. Like I was taught, it hung dutifully and
beautifully on my dining room wall. It was never more than a passing thought, until I had said to a dear sweet
friend, “I'd still love you if you're gay. I know you're like going
through stuff and I just want you to know I'm here for you.”
Shortly thereafter she came out as queer to me! I was honored, and
proud to see she was changing in beautiful and amazing ways. She came
out of her shell when she came out of the closet, and she was quite
the pearl. I was fine not knowing intimate details of her life. I
don't need all the answers. Fingers in ears my beliefs are intact.
Even pat myself on the back for being a real ally, real Christian,
we'll get into the mormon superiority complex later. A few months
later I was driving a member kid around in my car, then suddenly he
was screaming. Knocked from my driving focused-disassociaton, I asked
what the problem was and immediately felt out of my depth. This sweet
child was yelling that my daughter was wrong, “girls can't marry
girls and boys can't marry boys, IT'S WRONG!” I tiptoed my way
around both points by saying “God's laws aren't the same as man's
laws. Yes legally boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls.”
Done
right? Beliefs unshaken. The church is perfect the people aren't,
God's laws are higher. Stop thought. Stop Thought. Red herrings. Bad Faith arguments notwithstanding. Yes yes yes. No trauma to be found here
whatsoever.
Wrong!
Would my kids do that from my teachings? Is this how I sound to the world? What if
my daughter is already attracted to girls? What if my son is
attracted to boys? How did I define evil? How is any of this
exclusion teaching Christ-like? My God was unconditional and "his" church teachings of “being
gay is fine, but never act on it or be condemned” sounds
conditional to me. Is that what I was teaching? I don't know exactly
when it clicked for me, but at some point in my life it occurred to
me that every queer person I had ever met might truly have been born that way and I should
believe them. Devout gay members like Josh Weed who sold the Mormon and Gay
dream, with updates that life didn't work out the way we all hoped. As my towers of babylon
fell, realizations crumbled all around me. Or as the exmormons call
it, my shelf started to crack.
I wanted to be excited and supportive
if my kids ever came out to me. I wanted to treat them like I
treated my friend and see photos of the girls she went on dates with,
and talk about how cute people she is attracted to are. I wanted to
send gay friends profiles to her. I wanted to be there for it all. I
wanted my friend to have no troubles getting married, having kids,
adopting, home ownership! I wanted this friend to experience every
thing I enjoyed. There is no gay agenda, people just want their
fellow community, neighbors, friends, and family, to be themselves. I
want my friend to be as happy with someone who loves them as much as
they deserve. That was the kind of Christian I was. It's still the person I am. I want all to have happiness according to the dictates of their desires as long as they don't hurt others.
I
do recognize the irony in saying there is no gay agenda, yet I'm
writing an entire post about how the gay community strengthened my
empathy and slowly but surely lead me away from my faith. My ability
to mourn with those that mourn didn't never went away, it just
noticed who was crying the most. I don't know what to tell people of
my folks generation. I've never been to a meeting that talked about
how to entice and draw people to the gay community, how to insert the
gay agenda into natural conversation, how to share the love of gays
with all in an organic way. I've been to hundreds of church meetings
exactly like that. The Jesus I worshipped would hang out with the
sinners, the dirty, the poor, the ostracized. He wouldn't hang out in
the multi-million dollar whispering masonry club, but that's just my
interpretation of Jesus. He'd probably love a multi-million dollar
homeless shelter that we staffed full-time with volunteers. When the
sarcastic God on Twitter starts to align more with the God you
actually worship than the one you've been taught to worship....you
might be on the way to godless apostasy.
But
honestly, I still feel that spirit™.
I'm
still filled with hope. I still feel comfort when I see a butterfly.
I still feel like a positive beam of sunshine sometimes. Like in the
church and out, my mental health is still something I have to
constantly cope with. I want to paint, draw, write, and create! I
mean, even now I could find all sorts of things and feel peace. And I
know there is another life after Mormonism, so many have reached out
to lend a genuine helping hand. I had a wonderful experience the
other night out dancing. Everyone was kind to me, and I had lots of
fun conversations. I enjoyed watching the older couples dance and
thinking that could be me in twenty years.
This
is part one of a series of stories about how I radicalized myself
with the ways of the world, how the world is good, and you can know
me.
