From A Loving Heart; for your home

This past weekend as Bri was peacefully sleeping and Travis was watching the Olympics while I played around on the computer, my heart was shaken and my eyes wept. Not for myself, but for the family next door. I have met them many times and I know them, so far, to be loving parents, good people, and family oriented (must be since mom lives below me and they live across). I don't know what starts this, or where their frustration lies, but I hear far too often them yelling at each other and their children. In fact on this particular occasion it was her yelling at him to stop yelling at the child. The child, either the one year old or the I'd guess five year old continued to cry throughout this exchange. I don't judge you nor do I have any right to, if I could do anything it would be to offer help. I so dearly wish I could hug you all and remind you that whatever it is, it's not worth yelling about. I wish I could impress upon you the negative way this affects your child. It won't be a mystery when they decide that hanging out in a friend's home where yelling is rare is preferred to being with their own family. I had a few friends who wished they had been born of goodly parents like I was. Even now I know youth who have a parent or both that seek complete control and submission to all their demands. They protest by yelling and setting ridiculous rules such as you're grounded from church. That blows my mind. Even if my child decided to go to a non-denominational church or begin attending a baptist ministry, unless they suddenly become hateful towards family or become a negative influence on the whole, I can't imagine ever denying my child the right to grow closer to God or become a better person. Growing up my parents only told me no when they noticed my attitude grow negative around certain friends, or become rude and disobedient to routine chores and requests. They also denied me going to certain activities because the spirit told them no, or in not Mormon terms, intuition, gut feeling, hunch, overall something didn't feel right about whatever it is I wanted to do. They were acutely aware when I was up to no good, not that this prevented any wrong doing on my part, but they usually caught me before I did something really stupid or was even allowed to put myself in a situation where I could. They trusted me, but they didn't hand me a condom, leave alcohol easily accessible, leave me alone with my boyfriends for hours at a time, and then say we know you kids will stay out of trouble. Have fun and be good!

Back to the point. I know calling CPS won't help families such as this and many people would argue (lol) that yelling is normal, healthy, or nothing to be concerned about. But the problem with trying to tell me it's normal or healthy is I know it isn't either. I know that there are millions of families that function wonderfully without yelling. Mine is one of them. So what do I know about the feelings that resort to such outward displays of anger or frustration? What qualifies me in any way to worry that this is not an ideal environment for a family to function happily in? What can I say when I have a loving husband, a sweet one year old, and an overall agreeable disposition? Little. I have enough experience to know that things can escalate, things can feel overwhelming, you can feel like you're stuck, and trust can be diminished.

Thankfully, I've always known that there is always hope. Hope has always followed me no matter what life throws at me. And I'm certain that hope is due to my faith in Christ, and my faith that the Atonement can heal any hurt and forgive if you are willing to let it. If however, you don't have that foundation in Christ (which I would highly recommend for every family) you can simply begin with a counselor. Marriage counseling has a stigma behind it. Like something must be deeply wrong. He must have done something really stupid, or she must have slept around, or serious wrong doings on either side. But this is simply not true. I would encourage anyone to seek a counselor because it helps to have a mediator when you're trying to convey feelings in a misunderstanding and to become an overall more loving spouse. I know it helped me to understand that if I want my husband to give me his best, I have to give him my best first. It helped me to think logically before suddenly blaming him for a wrong he hasn't committed. It has helped me to communicate my concerns and get to the source feeling of any negativity he has.

If nothing else choose to love. Choose to be the person who never raises their voice. The person who chooses joy over sorrow, love over hate, compassion over anger, and support over jealousy. If you always choose love, joy will follow. 

And remember that your neighbors would rather giggle that they can hear your bed frame instead of cry that they can hear you yelling at the people you love most. I cry because I love you, even though I don't know you very well. I cry because I know you can have peace, and I'm here to help if you ever were to ask. I'm not just the neighbor that offers a cup of sugar or an egg and free sweets, I'm the neighbor you are welcome to vent to, hug, visit, get to know and one day I hope dear neighbor that you will know that.

-Heather Rand apt 4