Tonight was a night like some, but not all. I knew I wouldn't sleep at a decent hour,so instead of wasting it in bed with pointless scenarios, I decided to work on an old art project. I have these ceramic owls I got on the cheap on Etsy that haven't been touched in months. So I was watching Psych on Netflix, painting, and absorbing into the couch for a relaxing moment of me time.
I heard some chest congested coughs and crying that wouldn't stop. Naturally, I tried the whole sneak in, replace binky, and leave, but she reached for me. Eyes closed, trusting I would be there, she reached for me. The next logical step was bring her to the couch to sleep next to me while I painted and watched tv. She cried until I asked if she wanted me to turn the light off. She got completely silent when I set her down and said I was going to turn the light off. Pushing aside my hobbies, to enjoy my full time life job, I still enjoyed an episode or two of witty quips intermingled with Shawn and Juliette romance. Meanwhile, I realized I don't like sweating. Not much you can do about that though, when a coughing bub is on your lap. She would cough, cry, and get into a newer, more uncomfortable position on me.
The prospect of sleep seems a little more distant as I wonder if the coughing, crying, needing a hug routine will continue if she's in her room. So I brought her to our bed, and opened the window knowing that sweat is very likely with two toaster ovens in my bed. Just like her daddy. I stared at her in the dim light and for brief moments, I could see a grin. The same one my newborn surprised me with when I first watched her sleep. I turned my phone light on to see if it was my imagination. After ten minutes, I had to resign that I was seeing things. And now I'm crying that my baby is not a baby anymore. In many, many ways Bri is still a baby. Like not handling a room full of toys and kids and singing time well. And asking for binky when she doesn't feel good or is tired,or crying for a warm glass of milk. But, she not a baby at this point. Not with all the words, songs, and games learned. She's no longer laughing in her sleep.
And this is exactly how it happens folks. This is the moment a woman who hates pregnancy more than the prospect of dog pee on the floor, contemplates maybe a baby instead.
Don't get your hopes up grandparents, I'm extremely tired and winding down off aunt flow. This very well may be, crazy talk. Insomnia plays tricks on the mind, and no chance of preggo happening tonight while I'm all moody. So just accept this as a moment I wanted to record, and maybe shed a tear. No more, maybe less.
Goodnight
-Heather Rand
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