Stark Contrasts: Death in books, death in life

     I sat there staring at rows and rows of books, each spine no more promising than the last. I was at a loss, and I should not have gone alone. I have this issue at the library. I have to pick up a book, read the cover, start reading somewhere in the middle (and if I like that), I read the last page or two. I can't handle getting through a really great story and losing a major character, or a sad ending. I know it's kind of a spoiler to skip ahead, but I have a good excuse. Prime examples being, Dear John and Message In A Bottle. Both books by Nicholas Sparks, both romance novels, both with life altering loves, both with a not so happy ending. Dear John, I started crying thirty pages in, so I skipped to the end to realize he doesn't end up with her and put it back. Unfortunately, I began reading Message In a Bottle without skipping ahead at all or seeing the movie OR talking to anyone about it. It was late in my lamp lit room, when suddenly a book hit the wall and this woman began sobbing at such a terribly tragic novel. It was not a good idea. When I discussed it with Travis he said, isn't that a movie? I think I've seen it.

The POINT of that story. Yes, there is one.

       In a book when a character dies, you know there is no hope of that character ever coming to life again. Maybe if you're lucky, the character will appear in dreams later in the series (Amelia Peabody series), but majority of the time, that character in all their greatness and admirable traits is gone. The writer might make a prequel, but we can't be certain they'll ever come back in their fullness again. When a character I like in a book dies, my heart is broken, my soul is torn, the tears flow, and suddenly I'm crying in a public place and the makings of a sinus headache begin. [and despite all this reading, my thoughts flow like run on sentences that never seem to end. A bad habit, but I add commas so you get the feeling...I guess]

       In contrast to that, when a loved one dies I am more hopeful than heartbroken. I am not heartless folks I cry at such loss. Today I cried at the loss of a family member (in-law) that I've never met in person, but I cried because despite having never met me he was always kind to me. We talked on facebook, and he talked of how cute Bri was. No matter who you are, if you like my baby, odds are I'll like you too. But he was one of the many in my adopted family that welcomed me. I referred to him as my own Uncle when I talked to Travis about him. Yet, despite the great loss the family has taken, I feel hope. I get the feeling this isn't the last of him. I know that there is more to this life simply because of these "feelings". You can know something is a bad idea without doing it simply because it feels wrong. You can also know a good thing because it feels so right. Death doesn't hurt me in life as it does a book. While I cry now, I'll pray too. I'll pray that this brings all the family closer, and that in turn we all grow closer to God and find peace and joy in the Plan of Salvation. I'm eerily calm in the face of earthly death because it doesn't feel like the end. It feels like a bad day, in a great year. We can't see the year, but it's going to be good if we let it. I think death upsets the rest of the world because it's something fearful. It's the unknown, it's something we constantly fight, it happens to everyone. Whether we fear for ourselves, or our loved ones, it's perfectly natural to fear death. But fear isn't what comes to heart when I think of death. I imagine a beautiful door, and what's on the other side of that door? I don't know, but it is exciting to imagine opening it. The thrill of adventure, curiosity, or a really good feeling.

     My thought today is, try to imagine a world without end. Despite beginnings and endings being so ingrained into this life that imagining them is near impossible, give it a shot. The world is pretty great when you look on the bright side.

    Keep Travis' Uncle's family in your prayers. He was a wonderful loving husband, father, brother, and a great Uncle. Maybe one day the world will see actual death as exciting instead of scary.

Sincerely,

     That girl who narrates her life the minute she walks into a library.

              Heather Rand.

I should join a book club.

Remember the Good, and Focus

       About a week and a half ago I had an unpleasant experience with a client at school. It wasn't through any fault of my own, they were just an unpleasant person who decided to direct their anger at the world in my direction. It was small and insignificant, but not to me. For no legitimate reason I couldn't let the negative feeling from that experience go. It won't matter in five years. It definitely won't even matter in a few months. It might not even have mattered a few days after, but I let it. I let it rot. The feeling I got from that small exchange affected everything. Suddenly, I couldn't keep the apartment clean enough for Travis even if he said he didn't mind. Suddenly, I felt like people at school were all gossiping about me, and I didn't have a friend in the world. Suddenly, I felt like I didn't even know how to cut hair.

I know none of those things are true, but suddenly, they were to me.

       Tonight, I brought this up to Travis again. I reminded him of the experience, which he remembered because it made me cry, and I disclosed that I wanted to let it go. I told him that I prayed about it, I prayed for her, and I prayed for myself. It didn't seem to help because I felt like I was constantly being reminded in some small way of my insecurities. To my relief, he reminded me that even the days school isn't fun I am surrounded by friends. I'm surrounded by people who are willing to be there for me, and even a few of them drove all the way from wellington to my baby shower (not mentioning any names). I'm even really skilled at what I do, even the days I don't feel like trying very hard. He reminded me that it wasn't this one event that was the problem. I just needed to remember all the good and not focus on the bad. It was all these wonderful things he reminded me of that made the original issue seem as small as it really was.

       I should have remembered that above all else, I am a daughter of God. Therefore, I am loved when I need it most. Tonight that love was displayed from the man I get to spend eternity with, if I am willing to try.

       The moral of the story today folks, the good will always win. The good has already won, and we just have to endure until the end to see it. If you find yourself in a pit of despair, ask a few friends what they like most about you, write down things you're grateful for, and help yourself remember the good.

And for those of you starting Lent, good luck! I always thought it was a great tradition to see people of all faiths engage in. I hope it reminds you of the good in your life, and brings you peace.

Sincerely
   -Heather Rand.

From A Loving Heart; for your home

This past weekend as Bri was peacefully sleeping and Travis was watching the Olympics while I played around on the computer, my heart was shaken and my eyes wept. Not for myself, but for the family next door. I have met them many times and I know them, so far, to be loving parents, good people, and family oriented (must be since mom lives below me and they live across). I don't know what starts this, or where their frustration lies, but I hear far too often them yelling at each other and their children. In fact on this particular occasion it was her yelling at him to stop yelling at the child. The child, either the one year old or the I'd guess five year old continued to cry throughout this exchange. I don't judge you nor do I have any right to, if I could do anything it would be to offer help. I so dearly wish I could hug you all and remind you that whatever it is, it's not worth yelling about. I wish I could impress upon you the negative way this affects your child. It won't be a mystery when they decide that hanging out in a friend's home where yelling is rare is preferred to being with their own family. I had a few friends who wished they had been born of goodly parents like I was. Even now I know youth who have a parent or both that seek complete control and submission to all their demands. They protest by yelling and setting ridiculous rules such as you're grounded from church. That blows my mind. Even if my child decided to go to a non-denominational church or begin attending a baptist ministry, unless they suddenly become hateful towards family or become a negative influence on the whole, I can't imagine ever denying my child the right to grow closer to God or become a better person. Growing up my parents only told me no when they noticed my attitude grow negative around certain friends, or become rude and disobedient to routine chores and requests. They also denied me going to certain activities because the spirit told them no, or in not Mormon terms, intuition, gut feeling, hunch, overall something didn't feel right about whatever it is I wanted to do. They were acutely aware when I was up to no good, not that this prevented any wrong doing on my part, but they usually caught me before I did something really stupid or was even allowed to put myself in a situation where I could. They trusted me, but they didn't hand me a condom, leave alcohol easily accessible, leave me alone with my boyfriends for hours at a time, and then say we know you kids will stay out of trouble. Have fun and be good!

Back to the point. I know calling CPS won't help families such as this and many people would argue (lol) that yelling is normal, healthy, or nothing to be concerned about. But the problem with trying to tell me it's normal or healthy is I know it isn't either. I know that there are millions of families that function wonderfully without yelling. Mine is one of them. So what do I know about the feelings that resort to such outward displays of anger or frustration? What qualifies me in any way to worry that this is not an ideal environment for a family to function happily in? What can I say when I have a loving husband, a sweet one year old, and an overall agreeable disposition? Little. I have enough experience to know that things can escalate, things can feel overwhelming, you can feel like you're stuck, and trust can be diminished.

Thankfully, I've always known that there is always hope. Hope has always followed me no matter what life throws at me. And I'm certain that hope is due to my faith in Christ, and my faith that the Atonement can heal any hurt and forgive if you are willing to let it. If however, you don't have that foundation in Christ (which I would highly recommend for every family) you can simply begin with a counselor. Marriage counseling has a stigma behind it. Like something must be deeply wrong. He must have done something really stupid, or she must have slept around, or serious wrong doings on either side. But this is simply not true. I would encourage anyone to seek a counselor because it helps to have a mediator when you're trying to convey feelings in a misunderstanding and to become an overall more loving spouse. I know it helped me to understand that if I want my husband to give me his best, I have to give him my best first. It helped me to think logically before suddenly blaming him for a wrong he hasn't committed. It has helped me to communicate my concerns and get to the source feeling of any negativity he has.

If nothing else choose to love. Choose to be the person who never raises their voice. The person who chooses joy over sorrow, love over hate, compassion over anger, and support over jealousy. If you always choose love, joy will follow. 

And remember that your neighbors would rather giggle that they can hear your bed frame instead of cry that they can hear you yelling at the people you love most. I cry because I love you, even though I don't know you very well. I cry because I know you can have peace, and I'm here to help if you ever were to ask. I'm not just the neighbor that offers a cup of sugar or an egg and free sweets, I'm the neighbor you are welcome to vent to, hug, visit, get to know and one day I hope dear neighbor that you will know that.

-Heather Rand apt 4

A single brush stroke

         Life can be compared to a beautiful painting. Each stroke is but a moment. Many strokes of the brush are plain and simple, while many others display grand design and movement. If you were to focus on a single brush stroke, the painting may not seem wonderful or beautiful to you. Yet as you step back, your breath pauses for you begin to see the masterpiece before you.
        This metaphor can to my mind today as I took in the sparkling beauty of this sabbath day. As I knelt to let Bri touch the cold fluff, I realized you could see hundreds, maybe thousands, of snowflakes. Big, beautiful, unique snowflakes, each one a temporary masterpiece. There are many people content with the knowledge that a snowflake is simply the way a drop of water is frozen in a cloud. But I cannot be content simply knowing that. I an overjoyed knowing that every snowflake is neither random nor significant.
       Today my testimony is this; we are all cherished children of our Heavenly Father. He sees our lives as the beautiful paintings they can become. Even if we only see a brush stroke. I also know that this beautiful world was created to fulfill a part of the masterpiece that is The Plan of Salvation. I hope these thoughts can weigh on your heart that you may feel a fraction of the love God has for you. I leave these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

-Heather

Inspired poetry

She talks

Talk, talk, talk.
I watch her lips move, a tantalizing dance.
I don't hear what she says, a question by chance.
I don't respond, I didn't hear.
I avert her gaze out of fear.
Yet she continues, I have a sigh.
I could enjoy her words till the day is night.
Maybe one day I'll venture to ask.
But today it seems too great a task.
Away I go, off to walk.
Her lovely voice continuing to talk.

-Heather

So apparently I'm extremely self centered. I was talking a lot today and this came into my mind. Thinking, if someone worshipped me this would be their poem. lol

Animals aren't people

In many circles this statement angers. Although it is truth and a simple statement, it threatens many relationships owners have fostered with their pets. I'm in no place to judge, but I simply don't understand the reasoning. I rationally see the appeal. A pet is loving, I won't argue they are capable of love. A pet is incapable of hatred, therefore you won't find your dog being bitter and vengeful. Most acts people humanize to be vengeful are territorial or dominating in nature and instinctual.

My problem lies in the acceptance of the lie that your relationship with your furry baby is greater than a relationship with offspring. It is simpler, shorter, and easier...but that doesn't mean it's better.

Adam fell that men might be and men are that they may have joy. Adam and Eve couldn't procreate in the garden of Eden, so it's easy to say that once they could feel the bitterness of life they could also glory in the joy of parenthood.

Even if you aren't religious try to think of it this way. Remember that adversity or "trial" you had that you pulled through and succeeded. Remember how even though it was awful you would do it all over to experience the joy of success? That is parenthood. And you never fail unless you don't try. Even if your daughter becomes a stripper, much to your dismay, you still made a human being. You created life. You did that! But this isn't about you anymore, and that's where the true joy comes from. You get joy out of being there for her when she realizes how much she needs you. You get joy seeing her accomplish her dreams, you get joy seeing her joy. You are especially joyous to see her become a parent and when you get to become a grandparent.

My point is, being a parent is extremely hard. Being a pet owner is not as difficult. And in experiencing more pain, you can appreciate more joy. So don't live your life to be simple and choose the easy way. Create a life with someone you love and enjoy spending your life with. It's an experience greater than anything I've ever had.

Now to correct a few assumptions that may come up.

I do not hate animals. I do not think treating an animal cruelly is ever acceptable. I appreciate life in all its forms. I do feel that animals are below humans, but for righteous purposes only. Such as food and companionship. Animals should be treated with respect as if they are equals. I do not think those who choose to not parent are less than me. I feel it's not the greatest decision, but I am not you and it may be the best decision for you. For those who cannot parent for one reason or another animal companionship is almost necessary and I highly advise it.If I left anything out assume the nicest thing and don't be offended. In this world of today it's sad I have to explain all my kindest and best intentions and they are not assumed.

-Heather

It's been a while

...since I posted anything. But I'm going to try harder and write my thoughts more. Since people seem to find me entertaining.

I'm currently watching lord of the rings, the twin towers. Sam just said there is some good in this world, and it's worth fighting for.

I have to say, any good is worth fighting for. If there were only two good people on this entire world...it would be worth it to save those two people.