So there I was in my kitchen fighting rumination and anxiety. My anxiety was saying things like, "if the law of moses was fulfilled, why can't I wear what I want and drink coffee?" I turned to Travis in tears hoping he wouldn't divorce me over my apostate like questions. I said, "My anxiety is attacking the church and has been all pandemic." He listened to me and hugged me tight. He reassured me and agreed with my questions. I had good questions. We gave up and went to reddit.com/r/exmormon. They have sources with sources, and the rabbit hole of the troublesome history and present issues was too much.
I would best describe my faith like an intricate ice sculpture. I made it, I froze it, and every day re-carved parts that had melted. I read my scriptures I went to church, I did my duties. I loved my neighbors, and I believed so whole heartedly. But then I read the CESletter and it's sources. I only got a page in before I metaphorically opened the freezer, picked up my delicate temple shaped ice sculpture and it shattered. It crumbled in my hands and melted on the floor.
Leaving feels like grief. I feel like I've lost things. I've lost choices, I've lost time. I've lost a lot of freedom, and I'm okay. I feel better and better every day and I enjoy so far living this way.
Thank you for listening.
No comments:
Post a Comment